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Afternoon Delight: ‘Dominate the Foe’ Panthers rap

08.26.16 at 6:13 pm ET
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I’m doing something I’ve never done before on Afternoon Delight: repeating a video. Partly because the Patriots face the Carolina Panthers for the only time this year. But mostly because this is so damn good. Ked Woodley’s genius deserves to be brought back any chance you have.

Porn site says searches about sports were way up during Olympics

08.26.16 at 12:43 pm ET
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I’m not even joking when I say that the most useful tool in the study of human behavior we have today is online porn. You can learn more about the human race by what people are watching on adult sites than all the clinical research, sociological trends and psychiatric case studies in the world.

To that end, the team of crack researchers over at Pornhub Insights have analyzed the most recent data of search trends around the Rio Olympics (link SFW), both at the Games themselves and world wide. Some of the most telling conclusions:

  • From the first day of the Olympics, the usual traffic volume from Rio itself  jumped as high as 15 percent above its usual average.
  • Pornhub searches containing “Rio” were 243 percent above average. The third most common Rio related search was “Rio Olympics”.
  • Searches relating to “Olympic” and “Olympian” went up 2,729 percent above average.
  • The most popular search was “nude Olympics”, followed by “Olympics” and “sex Olympics.”
  • Searches for “athletes” in general were 417 percent above average during the games, with “athlete Olympic” the second most searched term.
  • The most searched for sport was “Volleyball,” followed by “Soccer/Football,” “Swimming” and “Gymnastics/Gymnast.”
  • The second most popular search was “beach volleyball,” followed by “volleyball ass.”
  • Searches relating to gymnasts and gymnastics increased 245 percent during the Olympics, peaking at 382 percent above average on Aug. 10. The most popular search was “naked gymnastics.”
  • Searches for judo were 76 percent above average. While “judo” was the most popular search, “nude judo” and “judo footjob” were also increasingly popular.
  • Searches for “marathon” were up 462 percent overall, but that was mostly non-running related, with “sex marathon,” followed by “marathon” and “masturbation marathon.”

I might not be an actual scientist, but I feel like my whole life’s work has been a sort of amateur form of anthropology. People and their behavior are my passion and always have been. So here is my expert analysis of this data.

People are horny.

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U. of Chicago tells freshmen ‘safe space’ thing is over

08.26.16 at 10:59 am ET
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Heat StreetThe University of Chicago, one of America’s most prestigious and selective universities, is warning incoming students starting this fall not to expect safe spaces and a trigger-free existence during their four-year journey through academia.

In a letter sent to the class of 2020, Dean of Students John (Jay) Ellison said one of the defining characteristics of the school was its unwavering commitment to freedom of inquiry and expression. Civility and mutual respect are vital to the campus culture, the letter states, but not at the expense of shielding students from unpopular opinions or ideas.

“Our commitment to academic freedom means that we do not support so-called “trigger warnings,” we do not cancel invited speakers because their topics might prove controversial, and we do not condone the creation of intellectual “safe spaces” where individuals can retreat from ideas and perspectives at odds with their own,” the letter states.

Now you’ve gone and done it, University of Chicago. You’ve run headlong at full speed into the withering fire of the political correctness machine gun nest. It’s a move that takes balls of titanium, and I admire you for it. But it’s not going to be an easy year for the Maroons.

And believe me, you do so to the sound of a hundred million standing ovations. The non-academic community has your six all the way on this one. You could have taken the easy route. Looked around to find yourself surrounded by the rest of the frail, terrified, rabbit-eared uber-sensitive college administrators across America and refused to capitulate. But you chose a nobler path. You chose bravery over cowardice. And you will not be abandoned. Not on my watch.

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Afternoon Delight: ‘Do the Donald’ rap video

08.25.16 at 6:00 pm ET
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(NSFW, language)

This Donald Trump rap is gross, over-the-top and incredibly harsh. And equating The Donald to Klansmen and Nazis is patently unfair to the point of being slanderous. But I’ll be damned if it isn’t catchy. Obviously you can’t use the video, but if I was working for the Trump campaign, I’d consider using it at all our rallies. Orange is the new black.

Cowboys writer fires back at Rob Gronkowski over ‘Do your job’ tweet

08.25.16 at 11:51 am ET
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Wednesday I brought you the story of how the Dallas Cowboys have lifted the Patriots’ trademarked “Do Your Job” and embedded it into the wall of their new, gaudy $1.5 billion, monument to exceess, Taj Ma-Practice Facility.

Within hours, Rob Gronkowski was tweaking the unoriginal, plagiarizing also-ran organization for their intellectual property theft on Twitter. Bless him. “#DoYourJobGate”? I love it. And wish I’d thought of it.

Well, it was only a matter of time before someone beholden to the former Super Bowl champions (22 years ago, but who’s counting?) came back at him. And they did. In the form of the Cowboys bloggers on USA Today’s Cowboys Wire:

Yeah, we’re going to need you to get over yourself, Rob. Without knowing everything there is to know about trademark law, it seems pretty silly to think the Patriots’ trademark would affect anything the Cowboys or any other sports organization would use to motivate themselves. It’s pretty safe to say they aren’t running and printing t-shirts to sell outside of AT&T Stadium. …

Regardless, if it’s war Gronk wants, it’s war Gronk gets. If CowboysNation were to collectively inform Gronkowski he should maybe do his job instead of worrying what’s on the Cowboys wall, then he’ll be all the better for it.

And naturally, they went right to the last refuge of a scoundrel. The classic “Well, instead of worrying about X, you ought to be paying attention to Y” argument. The logical fallacy where, instead of defending your own actions, you accuse the accuser of being obsessed with your sins, without ever addressing the actual sins. It’s the verbal equivalent of Jiu-Jitsu, trying to use someone’s momentum against them. And these CowboysNation pull it off with all the rhetorical skills of a subreddit commenter saying “Why are you wasting your time on Harambe the gorilla when there are humans getting killed in this country???”

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Tom Brady’s $50 nuts sell out

08.25.16 at 10:40 am ET
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FOX SportsNew England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s venture into the world of commercial health and nutrition products continued this week when his label TB12 put out boxes of snacks for $50.

According to CNBC, the TB12 Snacks went on sale Monday and were sold out by Wednesday morning.

The TB12 Snack 12-Count Variety Pack is not simply cashews and peanuts but a mixture of six different raw, vegan, organic, gluten-free, and dairy-free snacks. The varieties are called: Blueberry Crunch, Amazon Crunch, Superfood Energy Squares, Cacao Goji Energy Squares and Dark Cocoa Coconut. 

For starters, to repeat what I said on the air Wednesday, I was about to order Tom Brady’s nuts. Until I found out they were actual nuts.

Now that that’s out of the way, if you’ve ever wondered, as I have, why the whole world outside of Patriots Nation seems to despise Tom Brady, here is part of the reason.

It’s because everything he does, he not only dominates, he does to perfection. Quarterbacking. Marrying. Fathering. Business. Fitness. Investing. Fashion. Looks. Cookbookery. He sets an impossibly high standard that no other human can hope to emulate.

And now, he no sooner enters the premium, upscale, gourmet, raw, vegan, organic, gluten- and dairy-free nut market, than he’s cornered it. He’s better than King Midas, because everything he touches doesn’t turn to gold, it turns to fricking Unobtanium.

Joe Montana was once considered the best quarterback of all time and was a true champion in every sense of the word. Do you think for one hot second he could sell out an entire inventory of Blueberry Crunch or Cacao Goji Energy Squares in one day? Peyton Manning wants to be the Man Who Can Sell American Anything, a 21st century Bill Cosby with substantially less sexual harassment in his background. And sure, he can move pizza and insurance. But no one is buying $50 pouches of Superfood from him. Only Tom Brady can pull that off.

Whether it’s fashionable slippers, mattresses or $200 cookbooks that are actually living documents of nutrition, nobody can inspire people to purchase high quality luxury like Brady can. And his greatest marketing achievement to date is, to put it in the words of America’s Poet Laureate Rob Gronkowski, deez nuts.

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Man Larry King’s wife was allegedly cheating with is revealed

08.25.16 at 10:07 am ET
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Page SixThe man who’s been carrying on an alleged yearlong affair with Larry King’s wife, Shawn King, is a public-speaking guru whose clients have included US senators, Arianna Huffington, Princess Diana, Naomi Campbell, and Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith, according to a source close to the King family.

Richard Greene — dubbed “the master of charisma” by the Sunday Times of London … has also appeared as a talking head on endless TV news reports. …

Shockingly, an insider told us that Shawn, 56, met Greene when he was a guest on a podcast she co-hosts with her husband, “Back and Forth With Shawn and Larry.”

“He’s heartbroken,” a friend of Larry’s told us. “He’s embarrassed and furious.”

The source added that although Shawn — who the Enquirer reported on Wednesday had sent nude pictures and had “steamy afternoon sex sessions” with her boy toy — is still living with Larry after the news hit, the veteran broadcaster hasn’t made a decision on whether to file for divorce.

I have to admit, this news of Larry King’s seventh wife cheating on him is rocking me to my core. When a catch like him is vulnerable to having a spouse tomcatting around behind his back, what man can possibly be safe?

This is especially distressing because I thought the seventh wife (eight marriages in all) was the charm. Shawn and he just seemed so perfect together. She’s tall, blonde and glamorous. He’s … rich. It seemed like it was made in heaven for them. Every time I looked into her hazel eyes I saw genuine affection for Larry. And not just that look that says she’s waiting around until he croaks so she can lawyer up and steal the estate from his kids.

But now this? She’s been buttering her toast on the other side with this low rent, self-help guru Tony Robbins wannabe? That is an affront to everything I hold dear. Marriage between an aged, antiquated talk show mummy and his seventh wife is supposed to be something holy. Those naked texts should be going to the lizardy husband who paid for the phone. And the fact that this nobody was boinking her while coming on their podcast is the violation of a sacred trust. You don’t cheat on your marriage vows, and more importantly, you don’t break the bonds of podcast partnering. You simply do not.

And now I’m left to worry about what will happen to poor Larry going forward. Will they reconcile, or will this floozy just move on? Maybe humiliate him further by starting a new podcast. “In and Out with Shawn and Richard” or something. Larry King is the one and only “master of charisma.” And he deserves better.

Afternoon Delight: Seal jumps up on boat to escape orcas

08.24.16 at 6:20 pm ET
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(NSFW, language)

This thing is a couple of days old and already up to a million and a quarter hits. I post it because I just spent last weekend deep sea fishing off the Cape on my cousin Bobby’s boat with my brothers. And I can promise you that if a frigging seal came crawling up on the frigging stern to escape a couple of frigging orcas, I would not have been anywhere near this calm about it. And, I probably would have kicked him off the boat. Because if Shark Week has taught us anything, seals are the big, juicy bacon double cheeseburger of the sea. Killer whales are the apex predators of the deep, and they’ve got to eat too.

Man arrested for ‘acting like a gorilla,’ masturbating in public

08.24.16 at 2:01 pm ET
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TSG An “erratic” Ohio man who was “acting like a gorilla” and “masturbating on the sidewalk” is facing a disorderly conduct charge, according to police.

Responding to 911 calls about a pair of “white males running around the lot taking off their clothes,” Warren City Police Department cops Friday morning encountered Timothy Cook, 32, who reportedly had been “growling and punching the cement.”

Cook, a witness told officers, had entered a state motor vehicles office and began waving his arms around. He then exited the building and “began masturbating on the sidewalk,” according to a police report.

When a cop subsequently approached Cook, the suspect was sweating profusely and “acting like a gorilla.” Cook, an officer noted, was “squatting on all fours, punching the blacktop and jumping up and down screaming noncoherently.” …

Cook was charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated.

I’m glad The Smoking Gun included the reference to the dear, departed Harambe. Because if it didn’t, I would. This is what the Cincinnati Zoo didn’t take into account when it told everyone to stop making Harambe references and shut down its Twitter account in frustration. We all mourn in different ways.

Some of us create memes, sell T-shirts or write blogs, while others drown their pain in booze and pills, make a scene in a government office, pound our fists into the pavement and then masturbate. Now, technically I suppose you could argue that my boy Timothy Cook was in fact acting like a different ape — bonobos are particularly fond of pleasuring themselves and don’t care who’s watching — but I’m going with the police account that he was going gorilla on everyone. And that it was the grief of dealing with Harambe’s untimely demise that was his trigger.

It could happen to the best of us, so let’s try to offer Timothy some understanding and support in this rough time for us all. If he’s guilty of anything, it’s loving Harambe too much.

P.S. The “… while intoxicated” at the end of that excerpt is one of the most unnecessary phrases ever included in a news story.

Rapper Li’l Dicky tries to cover Rob Gronkowski

08.24.16 at 11:26 am ET
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I’ll confess that I’m not the world’s foremost authority on Li’l Dicky’s work. I know that he’s got the nerdy, frail, white guy comedy rapper market on lock. But to be fair, there’s not a hell of a lot of competition. And I’m really not sure what’s being accomplished with putting him in a motion capture suit in front of a green screen and having him try to cover Rob Gronkowski.

Your guess is as good as mine, but it seems like EA Sports is going to make a character out of him to promote Madden 17. And if that’s the case, I want in. If they’re going to give any geeky, undersized entertainer an avatar and have him defend Gronk, by all rights it ought to be the man who’s written a million Gronk-themed blogs and rocked them all. Not some rapper. Life is unfair.

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