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Afternoon Delight: ‘Toy Story Fight Club Trailer Mash Up’

09.26.16 at 5:52 pm ET
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There’s no particular reason behind this choice today. Other than maybe the Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie breakup. That and the fact “Fight Club” is awesome and “Toy Story” is even better. And Lord knows I love me a great mashup.

Bad news: Gennifer Flowers reportedly disinvited from debate

09.26.16 at 1:03 pm ET
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The HillGennifer Flowers isn’t expected to be at the presidential debate Monday night, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s campaign manager said Sunday.

“We do not expect her to be a guest of the Trump campaign,” Kellyanne Conway said.

In a tweet Saturday, Trump offered to bring Flowers to the debate, in response to the attendance of billionaire Hillary Clinton supporter Mark Cuban.

Flowers, who had an extramarital affair with former President Bill Clinton while he was governor of Arkansas, later responded on Twitter saying she would “definitely” be at the debate.

Conway said that Trump’s tweet was just an effort to put Hillary Clinton, the Democratic presidential nominee, “on notice” for inviting Cuban and trying to get into his head.

I don’t care which side of the political gulf you’re on, this news has to disappoint you. Monday is the first debate in the most WWE campaign in U.S. history, so it needs that Vince McMahon flair.

The public deserves nothing less than for this thing to go full Clown Show. Bring on everyone from both candidates sordid pasts. Donald Trump’s ex-wives. Bill Clinton’s mistresses. Every F-list celebrity from “The Apprentice.” Hillary’s crooked business associates. Dennis Rodman. Juanita Broderick. Gary Busey. Ken Starr. Monica Lewinsky. Paula Jones. Marla Maples, to talk about how The Donald made out with her while she was in labor. Bring it on.

This isn’t a presidential campaign. It’s the ultimate reality show, starring the ultimate reality show stars. And if they’re not going to try to psyche each other out and just fill the seats with sycophants and coat holders, we’re not getting the full effect. So I’m begging Gennifer Flowers, Mark Cuban and anyone else who can give the debate the drama it deserves to get in that hall on their own. Don’t do it for your candidate. Do it for democracy.

Ray Lewis preaches on Twitter and Internet responds

09.26.16 at 11:49 am ET
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So Ray Lewis thought he’d get a message out to his 600,000 Twitter followers, testifying on behalf of his Creator. Which would be fine for a lot of people. Provided those people weren’t, at worst, involved in a double homicide. And, at best, plead guilty to obstruction of justice and received lenience in exchange for testifying (there’s that word again) against their co-defendants in said double homicide. Ray learned the hard way that the Internet doesn’t much appreciate being moralized to by a man who disposed of the blood-stained white suit he wore on the night in question.  

Anyway, read the responses Lewis got and, if you’re like me, they will renew your faith in mankind.

Read the rest of this entry »

Officers joking around during Jose Fernandez presser is bad look

09.26.16 at 10:33 am ET
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Wow. This is just a terrible look for law enforcement down in Florida. The police yukking it up with the media in the wake of the Jose Fernandez fatal boating accident. I mean, this video should be shown at academies everywhere about how not to announce the tragic deaths of three men.

I give the police a lot of slack. It’s a tough job. You’re dealing first hand with horrors no person should have to experience. And I get that gallows humor is sometimes the only way to keep your sanity. But that’s done behind the scenes among one another. You don’t go in front of TV cameras and start cracking wise about which news outlets are the troublemakers and what time you got called out of bed or whatever. For a minute there I thought this guy was going to start doing crowd work like, “Hey, where are ya from? Are you guys married over here? You got any kids? Kids are tough, amirite???”

And maybe this is just me, but when the lives of three young guys are cut short in a terrible accident, I can live without the police singling one out because he’s famous. I recognize that there wouldn’t even be a press conference if a pro athlete wasn’t among the dead. But it just rubs me the wrong way when they talk about how much this affects the whole “Marlins community.” Let the Marlins speak to that. The police and Coast Guard are supposed to treat all deaths like they’re the same. Granted, I’m nitpicking and it’s not nearly as bad as grabassing with the media on camera. But to me, it’s just piling disingenuousness on top of disingenuousness.

‘The Simpsons’ makes bizarre Arnold Palmer reference on day he dies

09.26.16 at 10:32 am ET
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Did “The Simpsons” do it again or did “The Simpsons” do it again?

While I’ll concede that mentioning Arnold Palmer is not exactly the same as predicting his death, you have to concede back that it’s a mighty strange coincidence to be mentioning Arnie’s name on a season premiere the very same day that he dies. Especially given the bizarre history of things the show has referenced that kind of/sort of came true.

Seriously, there is a surreal element of “The Simpsons” that has been going on for the better part of their 28 seasons. The show did a whole episode in New York City that involved the Twin Towers and an eerie foreshadowing of 9/11. One show that was set in the future but aired in 1995 included a smartwatch. It’s included weird plots that became actual true news stories as the school cafeteria using horse parts and the town’s lemon tree getting stolen. “The Simpsons” basically predicted “Farmville.” And see if you can guess where the idea of Donald Trump as President of the United States first came from? Exactly.

So make of it what you will. But I and the 11 million people who have watched this video will just keep knowing what we know. That “The Simpsons” predicts the future.

Read More: Arnold Palmer,

Margot Robbie tells story of high school kid she hit on who rejected her

09.26.16 at 10:03 am ET
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A photo posted by @margotrobbie on

In the new issue of Elle magazine, current Most Lusted After Female in Show Business Margot Robbie tells a story of the teenage guy she hit on during a modeling shoot. And how this kid blew an opportunity like no one has ever blown an opportunity:

I was chatting with them at one point, and I could tell I was starting to flirt with them. I said to one of the guys, “What are you doing after this?” and he says, “Well, I’ve got to go back to school.” And I was like, “Oh, cool! College?” No. Not college. [High] school. I thought, “Oh. My. God. You’re 17 years old!

Is this kid serious with this crap? Here is some 17-year-old getting hit on by the hottest woman he’s ever going to exchange words with and that’s what he comes up with? “I’ve got to go back to school”? Like he’s got to go racing back to class because God forbid he take an F on that quiz about Beowulf or misses the movie his Western Civ teacher is going to show because last night was his poker night and he’s hung over. For that, he gives the Heisman to Margot fricking Robbie.

That’s it. This kid is done. I don’t care how handsome he is or how many women he can score. He failed to close the deal with Margot and is doomed to walk the Earth living a life of regret. He had a winning Powerball jacket and dropped the ticket down a storm drain. There is no coming back from this. And it proves, better than any story ever could, that youth is wasted on the wrong people.

Knee-Jerk Reactions, Week 3: Patriots vs. Texans

09.23.16 at 10:50 am ET
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When a Patriots QB falls, another rises #CircleOfLife

A photo posted by Bleacher Report (@bleacherreport) on


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Things to consider while wondering if this might be the right time to make up some silicone bracelets that say PRAY4ROGER:

— This is why we do it. New Englanders’ love for Bill Belichick baffles all the haters, anti-Patriots jihadists, Spygate alarmists, media bomb tossers, Deflategate Truthers, press conference victims of passive/aggresiveness and other assorted zealots obsessed with headsets, bugged locker rooms and Nazis behind the woodpile. But games like this are exactly why every Patriots fan would follow His Hoodedness through the gates of Hell in a suit soaked with gasoline.

— The Patriots just went into a game with a third-string rookie quarterback — the “Designated Survivor” now made Commander in Chief of the offense — with no backup QB on the roster for the first time in NFL history, with Rob Gronkowski as healthy as Hillary Clinton, and put a 27-0 beatdown on a 2-0 team with elite players on both sides of the ball. They did it because the man at the top doesn’t panic, doesn’t waver in the moment. He keeps his focus, evaluates the situation calmly and finds a way to thrive. The same sportswriter fossils who bitch and snipe at his every move have nothing but contempt for the way their audience embraces him. But this game was as good an example as you’ll ever find as to why we do it.

— But that won’t stop the great unwashed media hordes from trying to play this down like it’s no big thing. They’ll spin it like the Texans are “tomato cans” along the lines of the 2008 Detroit Lions. But they know what we all know. That the last time the leader of a group pulled off something this impressive, loaves were turned into fishes and water into wine.

— Of course, Patriots wins are always more enjoyable when there’s some good, solid revenge involved. It was 10-0 in the second quarter when CBS cut away to Bob McNair, the lucky spermer Texans owner who said during Deflategate, “J.J. Watt wouldn’t have destroyed his phone.” So knowing he sat their while the Pats dismantled his bastion-of-integrity team made it even better. Like it was a good round of hate sex.

— Just on an emotional level, it means everything to me that while TV is desecrating my beloved ’80s icons like “MacGyver” and “Lethal Weapon,” Bill Belichick is successfully rebooting my other beloved ’80s icons, like the power run game, the quarterback option, the jet sweep, the end around and the naked bootleg. Read the rest of this entry »

Afternoon Delight: Hillary Clinton on ‘Between Two Ferns’

09.22.16 at 5:00 pm ET
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Regardless of your political leanings, everyone should have an appreciation for the best part of the campaign process. And that’s when politicians’ handlers decide they need to get in touch with the common man to show they’re not elitist, out-of-touch, insulated power brokers. They’re candidates of the people. Just like you and me Joe Average Lunch Pail Six Pack. Because it never, ever works out the way they hope and just ends up disproving what they were trying to prove.

I give Zach Galifianakis a lot more credit than Hillary here. Because he didn’t hold back like I thought he would and dialed up the awkwardness to amazing levels. It’s your move, Trump campaign. Help make “Between Two Ferns” great again.

Anthony Weiner proves to be even bigger creep than we realized

09.22.16 at 1:07 pm ET
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Daily MailAnthony Weiner carried on a months-long online sexual relationship with a 15-year-old girl during which she claims he asked her to dress up in “school-girl” outfits for him on a video messaging application and pressed her to engage in “rape fantasies”, DailyMail.com can exclusively report.

The girl, whose name is being withheld by DailyMail.com because she is a minor, said the online relationship began last January while she was a high school sophomore and before Weiner’s wife, Hillary Clinton’s aide Huma Abedin, announced she was ending their marriage. 

Weiner was aware that the girl was underage, according to DailyMail.com interviews with the girl and her father, as well as a cache of online messages. …

Weiner, 51, sent bare-chested photos of himself to the underage girl, repeatedly called her “baby” and complimented her body, and told her that he woke up “hard” after thinking about her, according to copies of the conversations.

 In one particularly lewd message, he told the teen: “I would bust that tight p***y so hard and so often that you would leak and limp for a week.” …

She claimed the conversations grew more explicit as time went on, with Weiner allegedly asking her to undress and encouraging her to masturbate over video chat. …

“He would tell me to say his name as I was touching myself,” said the girl. “He would ask me to take my clothes off.”

You know that old cop show trope about the criminal that wants to get caught? That has to be Anthony Weiner, the scumbag’s scumbag.

I mean, how many times can you send your life up in flames before you realize that the whole sexting thing just isn’t your bag? First he loses his political career the first time he got caught. Then he loses his marriage after sending pictures of his junk around while lying next to his infant son. And now he’s working to retire the Sexual Predator Trophy by creeping on a 15-year-old girl with serious emotional problems.

This latest – and hopefully permanently damaging – scandal checks every box on the pedophile punchlist. Calling her “Baby.” Dirty talk. Manipulating her into send him photos and videos. Talking about normal life stuff, then pivoting the conversation to sex. Making her talk dirty. (Did he have her say “Anthony” or “Weiner”?) It’s like every episode of “To Catch a Predator” condensed into one article. At this point, he ought to just give up any semblance of trying to pretend he’s a decent human being, grow a mustache, put on pleated khakis and a Member’s Only jacket and start driving around in a primered van like he’s looking for his missing puppy.

Another weird sidebar to this is I heard Weiner recently on Alec Baldwin’s podcast. Not because I have any interest in this rape-fantasizing creepazoid, but because Baldwin is great at interviewing people. And Weiner, for all his horribleness, was practically open and honest about what drives him to cyberstalk these women. That is, except for leaving out the fact that he does it someone’s underage daughter. Needless to say, the only person I’ll ever be interested in interviewing him again with me Chris Hanson and the New York City Special Victims Unit.

 

 

Heroic cop saves suicidal man from jumping by talking about hating Dallas Cowboys

09.22.16 at 11:36 am ET
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The StateEight minutes and 30 seconds – that’s how long it took Master Patrol Officer Michael Blackmore to talk a man out of jumping off a bridge into traffic early Saturday morning. …

As they talked, Blackmore made his way closer. The two began to talk football. …

He found out the man was a fan of the Washington Redskins and the University of South Carolina Gamecocks.

“You’re just having a bad night tonight,” Blackmore told him. “But tomorrow night, when you’re sitting around and you’re watching the Gamecocks – or on Sunday when you’re watching the Redskins play or whatever – you’ll look back (like), ‘Man, what was I thinking Friday night?’ You’re just having a bad night. …

“It was pretty much the same exact thing,” Blackmore said. “I ended up talking to the guy about football. He told me he was a Notre Dame fan.”

This is one of the toughest times in American history to be in law enforcement. So there could be no better time to show a heroic cop saving a troubled man’s life with kindness and understanding. And with the shared love of football. More to the point, through their mutual hatred of the Dallas Cowboys.

Whether you happen to be a fan of the Redskins, the Gamecocks or Notre Dame, there is one universal humanity we all share, and that’s despising Jerry Jones little monument to wretched excess down in Valley Ranch. I mean, you watch this video and you can just feel Patrolman Blackmore searching for a way to reach this poor soul on a personal level. To create that interpersonal bond that will give the man a reason to live. And just when you think he might not find it, he touches the man’s soul with Cowboys hatred. Well done, Officer Blackmore. Hopefully the man you saved will get the help he deserves and be detesting the ‘Boys for years to come.

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